Finished up the work out, tended to the dogs and cats, got coffee on and went to shower before getting dressed. I found my portable speakers so I could listen to some music for the first time in a very long time (normally I am up before the rest of the house so cranking anything would be received with a bit of animosity at best and flying objects within the realm of possibles). Rather than going for a radio (iTunes radio), I searched through my own music to find something I hadn't listened to in quite some time. As the music played, shower warmed up, steam filled the room and mind began to wonder. Yes, wonder not wander. There was a reconnection that took place to that which I had a clue was missing but never quite could name it.
Me
Not the identified me by some obscure standards or by others' views of who they think I should be. No, in this case, it was connecting with the genuine me. That place in the ethereal wherein "inner child" and "outer child" and "in/outer sometimes wanna be adult" suddenly blend to create a united self. I wondered at how long it has been since that happened. I wondered at the times when I have tried so hard to be something/somebody else based upon others' expectations of me and what they believed those should be formed into. I wondered at this people pleasing (stemming from peacekeeping) that has never produced any good results yet instinctually I fall back into it time and time again.
A former mentor of mine once dubbed me a "diamond in the rough." They were talking with some colleagues and half in jest suggested that some polishing might be in order but not too much as those rough edges are what made me who I am. They thought that my approach and mannerisms of what I do, including my conversations with God, were uniquely me and that they needed to stay that way. Sadly, however, as time went on away from that moment, I found myself attempting to become more and more "acceptable" to my mentor. This resulted in me moving further and further away from those rough edges, artificially shaping myself into some else. The inner conflict as well as external conflicts, became terrible. At times, I truly began to feel like I was going to be ripped in half.
It was not working.
After some time, healing began. Yet, even in the midst of that healing, as progress was going on to get back to the point wherein I veered off course, I found myself getting pulled in another direction that again was pleasing others. This happened on more than one occasion and some of them even at the same time. The need for acceptance can be overwhelming. It can drive you to do things and become things you never ever ever thought or wanted to be. You can so easily become the mask that the player is literally forgotten. You abandon your own self for the sake of others smiling at you because you have become what they wanted of you.
It still doesn't work.
Every now and again, God shows up in my bathroom. I think it is probably because that is one place wherein he has my undivided attention. This past weekend was one of those times. I know now who I am to be and am praying that with His strength, I will be that person.
There are many forms of identity theft. The cruelest of which is when we give our identity away in order to make others happy. The other is when we fail to know the truth of the identity we have in God.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Intro to Lent
A brief reflection:
To what is this season devoted? False piety? Self-imposed loathing? A sense of the macabre? None of these seem to fit. The Lord spoke through the prophets declaring how much He hates the solemn assemblies that were going on. Why would the Lord hate them? Does He no longer wish to engage with His people? Was He, is He, rejecting His people because He no longer cares for them? Has He changed His nature and is no longer loving, desirous of seeing that which was broken and corrupted restored and cleansed?
Or, perhaps, it isn't the assemblies themselves as much as it is the hardened hearts that were/are attending. Perhaps, the Lord loves all assemblies that are done in truth and spirit. The man-made solemn ones, however, are seen not to produce faith, but instead to produce a self-fulfilling sense of pride at how humble a person can become. There is a saying in the gospels when Jesus discusses worship and repentance. He notes the difference between two people. One prides himself on his religiosity. The other humbles himself in recognition of all that it is that God does for him. Jesus says that the second went home justified. Your words during this season will have far less weight and may even condemn you based upon the position of your heart.
The season of Lent is a calling to all the faithful to draw near to God. To examine those points whereby religion has replaced (or even supplanted) relationship with Him. It is a time to repent, in the truest sense of the term, of those areas that have led the believer away in order to refocus and rekindle that "first love". It is also a time of preparation to the non-believer or newly believing to prepare to enter the waters of baptism. To enter into the death of Christ at the cross and emerge as a new born child of God on the other side of the vast ocean of baptism.
Welcome to Lent.
To what is this season devoted? False piety? Self-imposed loathing? A sense of the macabre? None of these seem to fit. The Lord spoke through the prophets declaring how much He hates the solemn assemblies that were going on. Why would the Lord hate them? Does He no longer wish to engage with His people? Was He, is He, rejecting His people because He no longer cares for them? Has He changed His nature and is no longer loving, desirous of seeing that which was broken and corrupted restored and cleansed?
Or, perhaps, it isn't the assemblies themselves as much as it is the hardened hearts that were/are attending. Perhaps, the Lord loves all assemblies that are done in truth and spirit. The man-made solemn ones, however, are seen not to produce faith, but instead to produce a self-fulfilling sense of pride at how humble a person can become. There is a saying in the gospels when Jesus discusses worship and repentance. He notes the difference between two people. One prides himself on his religiosity. The other humbles himself in recognition of all that it is that God does for him. Jesus says that the second went home justified. Your words during this season will have far less weight and may even condemn you based upon the position of your heart.
The season of Lent is a calling to all the faithful to draw near to God. To examine those points whereby religion has replaced (or even supplanted) relationship with Him. It is a time to repent, in the truest sense of the term, of those areas that have led the believer away in order to refocus and rekindle that "first love". It is also a time of preparation to the non-believer or newly believing to prepare to enter the waters of baptism. To enter into the death of Christ at the cross and emerge as a new born child of God on the other side of the vast ocean of baptism.
Welcome to Lent.
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