identity thief

Finished up the work out, tended to the dogs and cats, got coffee on and went to shower before getting dressed. I found my portable speakers so I could listen to some music for the first time in a very long time (normally I am up before the rest of the house so cranking anything would be received with a bit of animosity at best and flying objects within the realm of possibles). Rather than going for a radio (iTunes radio), I searched through my own music to find something I hadn't listened to in quite some time. As the music played, shower warmed up, steam filled the room and mind began to wonder. Yes, wonder not wander. There was a reconnection that took place to that which I had a clue was missing but never quite could name it.

Me

Not the identified me by some obscure standards or by others' views of who they think I should be. No, in this case, it was connecting with the genuine me. That place in the ethereal wherein "inner child" and "outer child" and "in/outer sometimes wanna be adult" suddenly blend to create a united self. I wondered at how long it has been since that happened. I wondered at the times when I have tried so hard to be something/somebody else based upon others' expectations of me and what they believed those should be formed into. I wondered at this people pleasing (stemming from peacekeeping) that has never produced any good results yet instinctually I fall back into it time and time again.

A former mentor of mine once dubbed me a "diamond in the rough." They were talking with some colleagues and half in jest suggested that some polishing might be in order but not too much as those rough edges are what made me who I am. They thought that my approach and mannerisms of what I do, including my conversations with God, were uniquely me and that they needed to stay that way. Sadly, however, as time went on away from that moment, I found myself attempting to become more and more "acceptable" to my mentor. This resulted in me moving further and further away from those rough edges, artificially shaping myself into some else. The inner conflict as well as external conflicts, became terrible. At times, I truly began to feel like I was going to be ripped in half.

It was not working.

After some time, healing began. Yet, even in the midst of that healing, as progress was going on to get back to the point wherein I veered off course, I found myself getting pulled in another direction that again was pleasing others. This happened on more than one occasion and some of them even at the same time. The need for acceptance can be overwhelming. It can drive you to do things and become things you never ever ever thought or wanted to be. You can so easily become the mask that the player is literally forgotten. You abandon your own self for the sake of others smiling at you because you have become what they wanted of you.

It still doesn't work.

Every now and again, God shows up in my bathroom. I think it is probably because that is one place wherein he has my undivided attention. This past weekend was one of those times. I know now who I am to be and am praying that with His strength, I will be that person.

There are many forms of identity theft. The cruelest of which is when we give our identity away in order to make others happy. The other is when we fail to know the truth of the identity we have in God.