Lost the tune

So long having been lost

Expectations down to nothing

Never having tasted of the tune

Thoughts distantly dreaming

Of dancing n swirling

Arms wide n head back in utter abandon

But didn't have the tune

Glimpses of others

Gifted with freedom able to soar

Instead of sour jealously guarding 

That seemingly secret tune

Till the day chance stumbling upon it

Perhaps destined or purposes didn't much matter

I'ld found the tune

Now my time to dance with abandon

Love in the freedom no burden could take

Revelling  in that sacred tune

Dreams now probables

Hopes aren't just possibles

They hold a reality within the tune

Never noticed the clouds moving in

Failed to detect the fog with its bone chilling burden

That brought the fading of the tune

Instead simply dumb founded 

Or maybe dumb

As silence slipped between the notes

Of the tune

Till I listened with dread

The old stuff now clanging

Cacophony of noise without a tune

Where did it go how do I get there

Back to the place

I lost the tune

Isolation

Isolation in crowded rooms

Self imposed rules 

With no origin or destination

Cut off from the crowd

Peering into empty black

Inky glistening off tear stained lashes

Knowing that no one

Or do they

Can they will they 

Questions best left unanswered

The twisting uncertainty of will over matter

The burdens magnified by their own substance

A quagmire of desperation leading only deeper

While crying so desperate with unheard whispers 

The matter doesn't nor ever did it

There is no real answer

Not now maybe ever

That point long since past

Searching for solid amongst 

Gelatin the illusion of substance

Only colored water that never freezes

Shifting and shimmering alluring 

Rainbows distracting 

Thoughts detracting 

And still sitting here all alone. 

The argument within

Wind in face, sun brightening the day

Freedom of rolling with the road

Yet you are hidden away

The roar too loud, no one will hear my cry

The rolling is shaking instability n insecurity

Join me as friend embracing freedom offered

Draw near in strength of fellowship n security of brotherhood

Friends leave and families are fake

Embracing is begging to be broken

The nearer I am drawn, the further away safety is found

I am still calling to you hand stretched out

We simply unite as one bound by blood

To move on n through no time no worries

Adoption isn't possible hugs are never free

Everything comes with a price n I've paid mine in spades

Never given reason to mistrust

Never given reason to trust

Can't earn what is gifted

Gifts are never given only earned

Free never been worth having

To you it's already been given through the bond offered

Come out of the shadows to a new freedom
Learn to dance on the wind

Only if you promise n never let go of my hand

spiritual family

Each year I make it a practice to read through the bible. It has been that way since I was first sitting under the teaching of my mentor and spiritual father, A. Wayne Bowers. He had been doing it since he first came to relationship with Christ. I thought, after so many years, what is left to re-read? Then, one morning early on in this part of my walk, I was listening to the radio. A pastor was talking about the bible and the accuracy of it, original documents and why we could/should trust it. During his talk, he quoted someone who had been one of his mentors. He said, "you should ruin a bible every year." At first, having been raised during a time when bibles were in court rooms and there was the fear of the hammer strike for misrepresenting when your hand was on one, I was terrified. He then quickly explained that you should be spending so much time in the word that your bible is marked up, pages bent, bindings loose and no room left for notes in margins. So, my journey began. 

This year, I was reading through 2 Chronicles. It was like swimming in mud through the first 12 chapters. Why? The listings of names--genealogies. There is such a heavy emphasis in the Hebrew scriptures for who you come from. Everything is based upon the census and whose line you descend from. Chronicles isn't the only place. There are many listings throughout the Hebrew scriptures. Later, in Matthew, we get the same type of listings in order to demonstrate Jesus' descent through the Davidic line. There were even those in Nehemiah that were excluded from priestly office due to being unable to confirm their family line. 

Why does this catch my eye?

Jesus.

He was approached by his disciples saying that his mother and brothers were outside and wanted to see him. He asks, "who is my mother and brothers?" He goes on to explain that those who do the will of his father are his mother and brothers and sisters. In a singular moment, Jesus radically shifts the emphasis of inheritance from actual blood lines to the common relationship with his heavenly Father. No more does your relationship (inclusive of your role in worship) depend upon who your father's father's father was. It now, in that sentence, depended upon you and your personal relationship. 

And, this same relationship then draws you into a different relationship with those who are also in that relationship. They and you now becoming family, extending beyond, perhaps even more accurately excluding your blood lines. Bonds now exist as a result of your spiritual connection. Family takes on a whole new meaning. 

And a whole new value. After all, your Father is now a king, regardless of what state you were born into. This means that, by virtue of who your father is, you are now an heir to a kingdom--royalty. Your past, including your parents' pasts and their parents' pasts, no longer matters. Only the future. 

Think about the dynamic of this as a truth. Think about what this might mean for habitual behaviors that you seem to do simply because, "that's a family thing". Hey, that isn't your family's thing, because "we" don't do that. How do I know? Because, He doesn't do that and you and I are his kids.

You are a child of God. The family you are a member of is vast, compelled by his love and seeking to always adopt making new family members. Your past is no longer. 

Look towards your future.

A quick note on timing

I have often wondered about God's perfect timing. How much do we trust in it? How much do we rely on it? How much do we attempt to tweak it? I know I am particularly guilty of the last. Way too often, I know what I would like to have happen and when. Yet, it doesn't. I get frustrated. Even thoughts of why bother will sometimes come to mind (oh, that may have been too honest.....oh, well, what's been written cannot be unwritten). I seek Him out, whenever the struggle flairs up again. I have often asked him for encouragement. I've even gone so far as to ask Him to physically manifest himself in such a way that I cannot help but trust His presence. Again, my hands, my will, may way. Happily, He doesn't typically respond to my requests in exactly the manner that I would want Him to. Instead, being sovereign, my Father tends to answer me His way, in His timing, not respecting what I want, but focused on what I need. Thus, Jesus notes for us that even an earthly father who is worth anything would not give a stone when their child asks for a fish.

So, impatiently, I pace, day dream, pray, argue with myself and keep telling myself that I will trust until I actually begin to believe in the trust that I know I want to and should have. 

And then there is the enemy. We shouldn't necessarily trust in his "perfect timing" but we sure should trust in his predictable timing. After all, throughout my life, at times of what should be great moments of joy, along will come that one thing designed to derail my joy, take me off of my focus and get me back to a more pliable state of defocused faith, distraction, frustration and possibly even a sense of the "I Quits!". Why oh why do I let him get away with it? My God is so much bigger than him, yet, at times, I am so subject to him in the way I allow myself to get taken off of my focus. Like Peter, in the midst of a great miracle, I move my focus from my Savior, to the wavers. I lose sight of the fact that it is not the wavers who command my Savior. It is my Savior who commands the waves. 

Lesson to be learned: know this, that the enemy will not be happy with any victory you have in life, he will show up to distract you and pull your focus, D O  N O T  L E T  T H I S  H A P P E N. Keep your eyes fixed, trust in Him who brought you to that place of victory and do not be fooled by the crash and flash of some crow's squawking. 

And, the other lesson, maybe worth expanding on later down the line; Don't become the enemy's pawn in someone else's life. How does that happen? When you see them in their moment of victory/celebration, refuse to allow yourself to partake in anything that would take that away. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in such things, but keep your eyes fixed on what matters. In scripture, we are called to a culture of honor, not criticism. We are to be building each other up, not tearing each other down. Yes, constructive criticism can be helpful in order to correct what needs correction. However, the timing of that is crucial as to whether you will actually be speaking life changing truth to a person or death dealing victory crushing. 

Each of us has this choice.

a commentary on "Call no man Father"

Often I have heard individuals quote from scripture Jesus giving the instruction to call no man father. Interestingly, as individuals bring this up, they fail to mention that Jesus also, in the same breath, instructed to call no one Teacher. The context of this passage (Matthew 23:9) is surrounded by Jesus addressing the attitude and actions of the pharisees. He is addressing the crowds and saying to them that they should obey the instructions of the pharisees, but not duplicate their behaviors.

Early controversy arose through this relative to the reformation. It had little to do with the actual application of the scripture and more to do with not wanting to appear "Roman" in any way (later it came to be not wanting to appear "Catholic"). Modern commentators have started to re-examine some of the early 20th century comments on such scriptures and have pulled away from divisive understanding of such scriptures. After all, scripture, though sometimes paradoxical is not supposed to be contradictory. Paul will later write of himself being a father to Timothy and others. This would be in contradiction to "the command" if it is a command. Paul will also write regarding God's gift of giving "some as apostles, some as prophets, some as evangelists and some as teachers and pastors" (emphasis added). The above from Matthew directs that no one is to be called a teacher since there is only one teacher, the Christ. Yet, here we have others listed as being given as gifts for the "building up of the body of (the church)". Jesus himself is frequently referred to as Rabbi and does not tell them "don't call me that." He simply moves on from it and takes advantage of their attention in order to teach. 

As I have meditated on this, most recently prompted by a question someone proposed on Facebook, I have been drawn deeper into what Jesus' overall message may be. I say may, since, given the two thousand years worth of teaching, I may be stepping out into a very deep water and upsetting the whole applecart as they say. The basics of all of the teachings of Jesus could be boiled down to a simple concept: relationship. His first emphasis is on the relationship between a person and God. His second emphasis is on the relationship of a person with other people. His concern appears throughout the New Testament (don't care for the term but it at least fits) to be on moving away from regulated relationships based upon outward constructs of rules which govern behavior and to move towards and inward sense of relationship in which ones behavior is governed more by a reaction to an inpouring of love, grace and mercy superseding rules and regulations. Going back to the psalms and even 1 Samuel, God is spoken of about being concerned with the position of a person's heart far more so than the person's behavior. "These people are wayward in their hearts" and "do not look on the outward appearance but on the heart" and "God will circumcise their hearts" to cite a few examples. God has demonstrated his concern for relationship from the beginning. In light of this, we may benefit from examining any teachings done by Jesus through the question of "what is he saying about my heart condition as it relates to relationships with others?" 

Even the Lord's prayer, in this context, takes on a far deeper meaning. It is not about proper recital of the necessary words in order to influence God's will. It is an expression of the trust and faith that the prayer has in the one being prayed to. Not some distant generic g-o-d, but a Father, a shepherd, someone who knows me so well he even knows what I need before asking it, my heart condition behind it and yet still takes the greatest delight in my simply asking! He is not bothered by me coming to him, he is not put off by so many requests, nor is he exasperated by my asking for things I don't really need or may even be harmful. He simply enjoys my coming to him and seeking him out. The "Lord's Prayer" outlines this relationship from the start by naming whom it is that we are praying to, our Father who is in Heaven. Not our earthly fathers, some of whom have been pretty good and others not so much. Not our human fathers prone to overworked overwhelmed under appreciated and quite possibly distracted. No, we are coming to a Father who has begotten children and wants nothing more then for those children to continue in relationship with him. Like children, we speak to a father who tolerates much, such as "give us" and "forgive us"--we, sometimes brats that we are, demanding of our dad what he already plans for us, allowing us to say it anyways and answering with a smile, "what father amongst you, if your son asks for a fish will give him a stone instead.....how much more will your heavenly Father give you". 

The above is simply meant as a long example. There are several others throughout the gospels and later in the epistles. The principle teaching is on relationships. In that context, what might Jesus really be saying regarding "call no man father"? Is he really saying that we are to dump any pretext of honoring our parents? Given that one of his arguments with the pharisees is over "honor your father and mother", I believe he is not telling us to dump our relationships with our earthly family. He does say that our family ultimately extends beyond bloodlines. He addresses this when speaking with the disciples regarding "who is my mother and brothers?" Again, his emphasis is on relationship--those who do the will of my Father are my mother and sisters and brothers.

The context for the above is in regard to pride and making a show. He points out that the people in question are doing what they do for their own personal glory and recognition. He states that this, as in other examples, is the true problem--the attitudes of their hearts. They want to elevate themselves by pushing others down. They seek after titles and recognition in order to fulfill their own self-importance. The titles that Jesus' addresses in this very context then reference issues more relative to the person's inner nature and a lack of the title truly lining up with their heart condition.  It is the nature of the relationship they are in with their people that is at question, just as he emphasizes to this disciples. They are to be servants of all. What does a real father do? He serves those who are in his family. He will be the last to eat in order to ensure that his children are fed. He will be the first to rise and the last to go to sleep in order to ensure that the home is safe, chores are done and that his family can rest in peace. He makes sure that the family is provided for; clothing, food, shelter, etcetera. This is what a real father does. He is a servant to his family, not out of duty, but out of love. 

A real teacher, one who is genuine and called to teach, does so also out of love. They love to see the growth that occurs in their students. It is what inspires them and fuels them to continue. When a student struggles, a genuine teacher will sacrifice personal time, relearn techniques, consult with others and step as far out of the box as is safe in order to support their student in getting beyond whatever they may be struggling with. 

Jesus takes off his outer garment and girds himself with a towel in order to perform for his disciples the work of the lowest household servant. He washes their feet. They still called him teacher, for so he is/was. And in so doing, demonstrates to them what a true teacher/rabbi/father is to be like--a servant.

A father would willingly sacrifice his own life in order to save his children. Many a priest and/or pastor has done the same for the "flocks". Have there been horrible ones? Oh, yea, there have. Yet, is that a reason to condemn someone? Especially before you get to know if this person truly is "a father" to those he serves? There are those who heard very well this heart wrenching standard "no greater love has this than a man should lay down his life".  There are those of us who consider this a "no kidding" kind of thing.

Is your own reaction to such based upon religious prejudice or perhaps "father" for you is someone who has always been absent? Maybe father was even abusive and never showed love. Perhaps father is someone who left deep scars for you. I would suggest that you may find healing in the relationship being restored, not necessarily through your earthly father, perhaps through your heavenly Father and maybe even some of those He has sent as spiritual fathers.

God's peace and love to all of those that God has allowed me to call spiritual children.

identity thief

Finished up the work out, tended to the dogs and cats, got coffee on and went to shower before getting dressed. I found my portable speakers so I could listen to some music for the first time in a very long time (normally I am up before the rest of the house so cranking anything would be received with a bit of animosity at best and flying objects within the realm of possibles). Rather than going for a radio (iTunes radio), I searched through my own music to find something I hadn't listened to in quite some time. As the music played, shower warmed up, steam filled the room and mind began to wonder. Yes, wonder not wander. There was a reconnection that took place to that which I had a clue was missing but never quite could name it.

Me

Not the identified me by some obscure standards or by others' views of who they think I should be. No, in this case, it was connecting with the genuine me. That place in the ethereal wherein "inner child" and "outer child" and "in/outer sometimes wanna be adult" suddenly blend to create a united self. I wondered at how long it has been since that happened. I wondered at the times when I have tried so hard to be something/somebody else based upon others' expectations of me and what they believed those should be formed into. I wondered at this people pleasing (stemming from peacekeeping) that has never produced any good results yet instinctually I fall back into it time and time again.

A former mentor of mine once dubbed me a "diamond in the rough." They were talking with some colleagues and half in jest suggested that some polishing might be in order but not too much as those rough edges are what made me who I am. They thought that my approach and mannerisms of what I do, including my conversations with God, were uniquely me and that they needed to stay that way. Sadly, however, as time went on away from that moment, I found myself attempting to become more and more "acceptable" to my mentor. This resulted in me moving further and further away from those rough edges, artificially shaping myself into some else. The inner conflict as well as external conflicts, became terrible. At times, I truly began to feel like I was going to be ripped in half.

It was not working.

After some time, healing began. Yet, even in the midst of that healing, as progress was going on to get back to the point wherein I veered off course, I found myself getting pulled in another direction that again was pleasing others. This happened on more than one occasion and some of them even at the same time. The need for acceptance can be overwhelming. It can drive you to do things and become things you never ever ever thought or wanted to be. You can so easily become the mask that the player is literally forgotten. You abandon your own self for the sake of others smiling at you because you have become what they wanted of you.

It still doesn't work.

Every now and again, God shows up in my bathroom. I think it is probably because that is one place wherein he has my undivided attention. This past weekend was one of those times. I know now who I am to be and am praying that with His strength, I will be that person.

There are many forms of identity theft. The cruelest of which is when we give our identity away in order to make others happy. The other is when we fail to know the truth of the identity we have in God. 

Intro to Lent

A brief reflection:

To what is this season devoted? False piety? Self-imposed loathing? A sense of the macabre? None of these seem to fit. The Lord spoke through the prophets declaring how much He hates the solemn assemblies that were going on. Why would the Lord hate them? Does He no longer wish to engage with His people? Was He, is He, rejecting His people because He no longer cares for them? Has He changed His nature and is no longer loving, desirous of seeing that which was broken and corrupted restored and cleansed?

Or, perhaps, it isn't the assemblies themselves as much as it is the hardened hearts that were/are attending. Perhaps, the Lord loves all assemblies that are done in truth and spirit. The man-made solemn ones, however, are seen not to produce faith, but instead to produce a self-fulfilling sense of pride at how humble a person can become. There is a saying in the gospels when Jesus discusses worship and repentance. He notes the difference between two people. One prides himself on his religiosity. The other humbles himself in recognition of all that it is that God does for him. Jesus says that the second went home justified. Your words during this season will have far less weight and may even condemn you based upon the position of your heart.

The season of Lent is a calling to all the faithful to draw near to God. To examine those points whereby religion has replaced (or even supplanted) relationship with Him. It is a time to repent, in the truest sense of the term, of those areas that have led the believer away in order to refocus and rekindle that "first love". It is also a time of preparation to the non-believer or newly believing to prepare to enter the waters of baptism. To enter into the death of Christ at the cross and emerge as a new born child of God on the other side of the vast ocean of baptism.

Welcome to Lent.